The Day Obama Won

It is a little easier to wear an Obama T-Shirt in Mississippi today. Most of the whites still don’t like it but they are glad that their “Muslim” President killed the most wanted terrorist on the planet.

My fellow “Americans” down here are surprised that it was this incompetent president who wasn’t even born in the U.S.A who happened to stumble into Bin Laden. Sometimes they have to look at the ground when they hesitantly congratulate the man they have spent 3 years degrading.

“Yeah. He might be a little bit smarter than Bush,” my barber confessed with a hushed voice so that no other customers would hear. But even many of the oldest and most conservative patrons have come to know it too. The child in me wants to boast about the victory but thats not Obama’s way. “We don’t need to spike the football,” he tells us today. “This is not who we are.” Uh, okay. I guess that’s not who I am anymore after 37 years. I guess change is possible. 

The fun thing is that this is the easiest change I ever made. I didn’t even have to try to do it. I just magically got a little bit classier over night. I simply watched Obama accomplish something huge, not boast about it, not broadcast pictures about it, take satisfaction in it, and then I did the same.

Obama never had to sneer and posture and say “bring ’em on.” He’s not a cowboy or a bully or a warrior. He’s a scholar and a leader. And he will be our president for another five years.

Life is good when the President of the U.S.A can also be a teacher for the world. He can make us better as individuals, as teammates, as enemies, as kids, as parents… okay, you get the idea. I’m just glad that his being a black Muslim liberal spender didn’t prevent him from doing all of this.

Shane Gerzon-Kessler

Ruleville, Mississippi. U.S.A

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Hit Him in the Throat

Just when I was ready to lay off of Charles Barkley for being a mere loudmouth, I hear him give this advice to every young player in the country watching the halftime show of Lakers/Mavs Game 1: “Hit him in the throat!” Yes kids, that is what you are supposed to do when someone is overzealous in boxing you out as Artest was with Dirk at the close of the half. Dirk Novitski threw an elbow in response and got a technical but Barkley claims he didn’t go far enough.

No, you don’t need to be a role model Charles. But giving advice that can kill people and ruin careers is going a little too far. Free Speech is an interesting thing these days. Charles isn’t allowed to say ‘Fuck’ on his show but he is allowed to promote lethal tactics for kids trying to learn a fun game. I shouldn’t be angry at Charles. Rather, I should be disappointed that Americans have selected him via Nielsen Rating to be our spokesman on athletics.

Mrs. Obama says “Playing basketball one hour a day is a great way to get fit. There’s running…jumping…even dancing.” Yes, it’s kind of cheesy but her words are healthy. I want American kids to grow up peacefully. For some reason the little brown kids are ending up in jail. Maybe it’s because too many of their role models are giving advice similar to Uncle Charles. Maybe it’s because every time the black toddlers show an ounce of curiosity and venture across the room to investigate some new mystery in the world, they are hit with a switch that mama cut off a tree and told “sit still and watch da TV!” Or was that just my wife and the women at her church?

I hear my 3 year old son calling out something in his sleep. He is saying “Get your ass out of here motherfucker!” And he is asleep. He used to look so peaceful in his sleep. God help us.

 Sex and violence provide for great entertainment. They are the law of the TV ratings landscape. I just wish my wife and Charles could watch their language around my kids.

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TNT Commentary Mess

Thankyou to Charles, Kenny, and Chris, the loud black ex-ballers who inspired this post. Inbetween tonight’s Game Ones of Bulls/Hawks and Lakers/Mavs I got to watch these loudmouths repeatedly disrupt the anonymous white boy’s coherent attempts to conduct a reasonable conversation and breakdown of tonight’s games.

He looked slightly amused and quite overwhelmed. I would not have wanted to be in his shoes. Ernie Johnson, the normal white boy who is used to taking their abuse, was not in attendance. There have been times where Charles and Kenny have cracked me up pretty good but I hate seeing them monopolize the conversation. Yes, we liked watching your moves on the court. ‘Gone Fishin’ is a cute little segment. But do we really have to listen to you jabber and cackle nonstop after eating donuts and smoking J’s all day to prepare for the show?

This is not a race thing, We’re talking about brain cells. Please find one more strong and intelligent personality so that it’s at least a 2 and 2 split on that show. Please don’t let that quality of discourse become the norm on our sports programming.

Again, thank you guys. Because of your lovely banter, I googled and found a guy on this site who gave you awards for worst commentary ever. I laughed and then started my own blog.

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